i quit.

My mom makes the most amazing homemade split pea soup. Naturally I should have known mine would turn out nothing like hers.

How did my husband put it? "Looks like baby crap in a really bad diaper blow out," which was accompanied by retching sounds and a finger down his throat. Rude, right? So I punched him in the face. Ok, I'm kidding...I don't condone spousal abuse...usually. At least when I actually agree with him:

Shut it peanut gallery. My cooking confidence is far too fragile.

new england clam chowder.

The Constituents:

• 2 (6 ounce) can minced clams
• 4 slices bacon, cut into small pieces
• 4 potatoes, peeled and cubed
• 1 cup chopped onion
• 1 carrot, grated
• 2 (10.75 ounce) can condensed cream of mushroom soup
• 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
• 2 (12 fluid ounce) cans evaporated milk

Directions:

1. In a small bowl, drain the clams and reserve the juice. Add water to the juice as needed to total 1 3/4 cups liquid. Cover the clams and put in refrigerator for later.
2. In a slow cooker combine the bacon, potatoes, onion, carrot, soup, ground black pepper, evaporated milk and reserved clam juice with water. Cover and cook on low setting for 9 to 11 hours OR on high setting for 4 to 5 hours. Add the clams and cook on high setting for another hour.

Verdict:
I was a little skeptical using clams from a can (how raunchy does that sound?), but it turned out absolutely fabulous...we're talking some serious competition for Legal Sea Foods. When cooking (especially on high), make sure you stir it once awhile to avoid burning.

i confess.

Lame...has it really been a month since I posted? My sincere apology, reader. This time I'm not crying wolf. I will continue my quest to become a domestic goddess. In fact, I've got quite a repertoire of recipes to try out this week:

• Clam Chowder
• Chili
• Taco Chicken
• Chicken Tortilla Soup

Stay tuned!

truth be told.

I hate cooking. I mean, I really really do not enjoy it. Not to be confused with my absolute amorosity for food - I love food...I just hate cooking it. Hence my reasoning for starting this blog, to provide a foundation of sorts where I could learn and explore the basics of cooking and the ways of the kitchen. And to get advice and suggestions from readers...once I can actually garner a few (if you are the one person reading this...thank you). So bear with me...it's bound to be an interesting, hilarious, admittedly sometimes boring and most certainly embarrassing cultivation.

oh my barf.

"Wrong on so many levels." Introducing the Bacon Krispy Kreme Burger. Can you say instant coronary?

food & love.

...the two new greatest joys of my life. I may be a novice at one, but rest assured, I am a master at the other. my hubby will be thrilled to know i've been cookin' up (pun intended) an array of brilliant ideas on how to seamlessly meld the two together. And since sharing, caring, and altruism are just a part of who I am, you now can be privy to my genius notions.

1. As I'm wont to do, cook for your hubby in nothin' but some fancy knickers (or less, if you're feeling a little adventurous...but no pressure, start slow). Now, if you have children or are prone to frequent, uninvited and obnoxious guests, I would advise you to be wise in selecting the right time for such a world rockin' display. This is one reason we will not be having kiddies for awhile...talk about a damper on things!
2. Did you know strawberries, bananas, and chocolates are aphrodisiacs? On a not-so-romantic and rather disgusting note, so are oysters, figs, and caviar...in case you're a fan.
   
3. They say champagne is the "drink of love"...but trust me, if you're in the mood Martinelli's works just fabulously. Add in a few giggles and stumbles and it's just like the real thing.
   
4. Without disclosing anything too precarious that could conjure up unwarranted mental images, avoid honey - it crystallizes. Enough said.
   
5. Food coma = not sexy! If you're planning on having a crazy, wild night reminiscent of your honeymoon (albiet with some subsequent acquired skill), avoid eating anything fatty, greasy, heavy, or from a fast-food diarrahea drive-thru.
6. (My apologies...now I have you thinking about rather unpleasant bowel movements, don't I?)
7. I once heard of a couple cooking a romantic meal together in their fireplace. Personally, I struggle with simply an open flame on the stove...a fireplace may be hazardous to far more than just our love life. But to each his own!
   
8. Seductively feed each other - but be forewarned...laughing out loud may foster feelings of inadequacy and foolishness in your man.
9. You may think that food shaped in cute hearts may provoke feelings of romance, lust, and passion in your hubby but let's be honest...it all tastes the same to him, so refer to surefire #1.

how embarrassing.

A sad day for any wannabe housewife when her husband cooks far better than her.

wtf are shallots?

"The shallot is a member of the lily family and closely related to the onion. Their small bulbs usually sport a papery, reddish-brown skin and a white interior flesh that has a sweeter flavor than even mild onions." {via BigOven}
Gall, I wish I had known that a few weeks ago...before I headed to the grocery store feeling quite smug and adventurous that I was going to make this fabulous fancy schmancy recipe only to walk out empty-handed feeling defeated, deflated, and not to mention famished.
Now, I know what you're thinking, "katie, why didn't you ask someone, you dumbbell?" I did silly, but those stock boys are just as clueless as moi!

the good old days.

When I was a poor college student not too long ago, I was a big fan of anything with three ingredients or less - less time, less effort...albeit less taste. No one can botch a recipe that simple, myself included. As I'm feeling a little nostalgic tonight, I thought I'd share one of my past favorites...chicken and rice. There are few recipes (and activities in general) that take less effort than making this:

chicken & rice
(servings - 1...hopefully you're not making this if there's more than that)

• 1 can cream of mushroom soup (you thought it was going to be cream of chicken, right? What I can say...variety is the spice of life).
• 1 chicken breast
• 3/4 cup rice

Pour cream of mushroom soup over chicken breast in baking dish. Bake at 375 for 45 minutes. Cook rice and serve chicken over rice.

Now that I've illustrated for you my meager starting point, you can oh and ah at all the vast improvements I will be making here on out. Bon Appetit!

i hate her.

How hot is Giada de Laurentiis? She's a renowned Italian chef and culinary expert and gorgeous to boot! One day, I'll be both...or at least brave enough to try one of her insanely difficult recipes.

bonjour.

I figure it's time...before my husband (a.k.a. the Guinea Pig) suffers anymore from nutritional and flavor deficiencies and considers disowning me for my lack of domestic skill in the kitchen - I guess not everyone is completely content with dinners that regularly consist of grilled cheese and oh-so-scrumptious quesadillas. I'll be the first to admit that I find the kitchen intimidating and I'm more than capable and willing to come up with a million excuses not to cook...it's too time consuming, too expensive, too messy, and so on and so forth. I am fully aware that those who know me best may lack faith in this new undertaking, but the culinary world is my Mount Everest, and it is in this spirit that I begin my adventure and long journey to becoming a chef de cuisine.